


A Coin

by laadychat



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Emotional crisis, Little bit of angst, identity crisis, little bit of drugs mentioned
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-11
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-08-18 20:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20197657
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laadychat/pseuds/laadychat
Summary: It was all getting too much for her.He didn't know who he is anymore.





	A Coin

"Marinette, you can't keep doing this."  
  
"Tikki, it's the only way I _know_ how to deal with all this."  
  
The pigtail girl snorted and waved a hand at the little kwami. She knows what she's doing is _wrong_ but at this point, she doesn't _care_. It makes it all go away.  
  
It makes her feel numb.  
  
If she can't feel anything, she can't be taken advantage of. She can't afford to be akumatized, being the only one to purify them. Because that's what Hawkmoth preys on - people's emotions. So if she doesn't have any, he can't akumatize her, couldn't Tikki see that this was the obvious logic?  
  
Marinette stared at the roll in her hand, her eyes blank. Sure, she never expected to get to this point but how else was she suppose to shut it off? She can't get too angry, she can't get too sad, hell, she can't even allow herself to get too stressed. If she feels anything too much, it was like a neon sign lighting up for Hawkmoth and his akuma.  
  
She couldn't allow that to happen.  
  
Lighting up the roll, Marinette placed it in her mouth and took in a breath.  
  
"Marinette, you need to stop! This isn't right."  
  
"Listen, Tikki," she said, her words already slowing down a bit. Pausing for a moment, Marinette took in another breath and felt her body starting to relax. She always liked this part - the part where she can feel all the tension leaving her body, her head fogging up, and finally, finally, she can feel all the emotions washing away, only to leave behind a buzz. Her body was now tingling and she was almost ashamed to admit that she liked it.  
  
"We've already been over this. If I don't feel anything, there's no way I can get akumatized."  
  
Marinette opened her eyes and glanced over at her kwami. She watched at how the little creature flew around her balcony, fidgeting. Sighing, she sat up and turned to face her. "Alya even says she likes how much more relaxed I've been. I've even started talking to Adrien like a normal person. Not a bad thing, right?"  
  
Tikki stopped and hovered in front of her owner, her eyes drooping with sadness. "No, but is doing drugs the best way to go at all this?" She said softly.  
  
Shrugging, Marinette laid herself back down on her lounge. "If you can find a better alternative, I'm all ears. Until then," she exhaled, a puff of smoke leaving her lips.  
  
She knows that maybe doing a bit of drugs wasn't the smart way to go but at the moment, she could care less. Chat Noir could find out her identity and she wouldn't even bat an eye. After getting almost akumatized more than a few times, she was tired of feeling all of this, this, _thing_, in her. She was tired of _feeling_. So if numbing herself was going to keep her from being targeted, then so be it.  
  
Besides, Paris was counting on her and couldn't let them down.  
  
  
\--  
  
  
"Plagg. What's wrong with me?"  
  
"Kid, there's nothing wrong with you."  
  
Scoffing, Adrien rolled his eyes and stopped his pacing. Clearly, there was something wrong with him, since no seemed to like him. The real him.  
  
"No, there's something definitely wrong with me. Why doesn't anyone like me?"  
  
The black kwami abandoned his cheese and flew over to his master. "What are you on about now?"  
  
At that question, Adrien threw his hands up and turned away. "Everyone loves Adrien. _'Paris' Golden Boy'._ The boy who can do no wrong, but that's not _me_, Plagg."  
  
Frowning, Plagg moved so that he was hovering in front of Adrien again. "What are you talking about? You are Adrien."  
  
Adrien shook his head and began to pace, his hands gripping his hair. How is it that everyone loves this side of him, this side that's so oblivious fake, so unreal, so unlike him? Can't they all see that this smile is fake, this laugh isn't real, that he doesn't even _like_ the way he was forced to laugh?  
  
He thought he had a pretty good idea of who he was. Who he _really_ was and that's what he showed as Chat Noir. He showed the side that he wanted everyone to see, the real him.  
  
But why is it that everyone seemed to like Adrien Agreste but not Chat Noir? Why did they like this facade, the unrealistic person over who he really is?  
  
Kagami likes Adrien, not Chat.  
  
Chloe likes Adrien, not Chat.  
  
_ Ladybug likes Adrien, not Chat fucking Noir._  
  
The laughed that spilled out of his lips were so avoid any humor, so dry, so bitter. He couldn't help but to know that the one girl he cared about more than anything else liked the side that he's come to despise. She didn't like Chat Noir because she liked _Adrien Agreste._  
  
Was that why his father drilled into him how to act? How to behave, how to even laugh because he couldn't stand his actual self?  
  
_ Was that why mom disappeared?_  
  
He gasped and fell on his knees, the last thought repeating over and over again, closing in on him. It was hard to breath all of a suddenly, his room felt too small, and _is that why mom disappeared?_  
  
Maybe she couldn't stand the person he was? He was always more himself around his mom - he thought with her, he was safe. Safe to be someone his dad wouldn't approve of.  
  
If no one liked Chat and everyone loved Adrien, was being himself doing him anything good? Was he such a terrible person and that's why no one could stand him in his hero form?  
  
Raising his head to look at his kwami, Adrien gripped his hair harder. He wasn't even aware of how wet his cheeks are, just that he was feeling awful. "Plagg, why doesn't anyone like Chat Noir? What's so bad about being myself?"  
  
"Kid, you're both Adrien and Chat Noir," Plagg replied quickly and landed on the blonde's thigh. "They're not two different people, they're both you. If they like Adrien, then they like Chat Noir."  
  
_They're both you._  
  
Adrien looked at his kwami, his shoulders shaking. How could that be true? How could he be both, even he hates one side?  
  
"Who am I, Plagg?"

**Author's Note:**

> saw something about this in tumblr and decided to write on it.


End file.
